“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.