How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You Might Also Like
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Awesome parenting 😂
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
That de-escalated quickly
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.