How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
#Caturday
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door