Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
tinder is all about the long game
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Um … Hot Wings please
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Twitter remains undefeated
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap