How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
c’mon!
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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