How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Actually cracking up @ this
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee