@OhNoSheTwitnt: How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?
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@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
@yoyoha: Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
@dreamthievin: Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!