How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You Might Also Like
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The Book. The Movie.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.