Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.