@DaddyJew: How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?
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@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@wendyraepearce: I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He's going to pay for that later.
@chuuew: ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
@tbhstop: has a fever: i'm ok coughs out lungs: i'm ok throat on fire: i'm ok is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life