My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.