I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My sex drive has a dui
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’ll be mad as hell!
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback