How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN