Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Best spot.. 😅
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds