Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
me doing my best
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Life is a suicide mission.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”