How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
relationship goals
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Never be a pizza!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over