“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If I ignore life will it go away?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I just love that new Pope smell.