How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.