*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Doctors texting each other.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???