How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Leaving the Barbers like
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?