How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.