I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
You Might Also Like
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅