How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.