“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
wut hotdog?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean