– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
😂😂😂😂😂😂
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Home #decor warning.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?