– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.