How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.