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@Annekinns: How much for the soulmate?
Ma'am, that's a bag of Doritos.
@hpb777: Me: *texts* How'd you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
@asimplesean: Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
@PorkUrPine: God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn't possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
@VodkaShorebird: A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces "coyote".