How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
What
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD