Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
How your email finds me
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.