“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My first son he is wonderful
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.