“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc