How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
this post was so formative to me
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.