How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup