@mrtruthandsoul: How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
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@Your_Boy_Dylan: How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
@markleggett: I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
@minealone6: Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who's day he wanted to ruin
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I'm foolish with money "He used our life savings to buy a tiger" YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN