When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
#FunnyLife Insects
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking