@mrtruthandsoul: How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
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@prettysadmostly: my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
@Swishergirl24: I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken