My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
WTF
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.