@crunchenhanced: How much weed is the appropriate amount to give as a gift at a baby shower?
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@FSUSteve: My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
@RichardDawkins: Don't ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He's too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
@shutupmikeginn: An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
@DRUNKdadding: "Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now