@crunchenhanced: How much weed is the appropriate amount to give as a gift at a baby shower?
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@iGreenMonk: How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!
@WheelTod: Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can't put salt on your French fries.
@UncleDuke1969: [Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
@TheMichaelRock: HR: Did you call Brenda fat? Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly. HR... Me: Big difference.