How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in