How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.