How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.