“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.