How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.