How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: