How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I want this so bad
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Anime is real
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles