How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Passwords are more important than ever.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers