How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”