How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson