How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
We like the way Dwight thinks
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.