How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?