*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
🚲+physics = winner
I can fix him.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Home #decor warning.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.