*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.