How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
the answer was staring at me all along
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints