“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
HERE’S MARKY
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to