[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
You Might Also Like
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.