I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.