How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.